The CIA Files: Just Another Day
by Sogo
Summary: Dana is seeing things, Carlotta is sewing again, and Chief Quimby just wants to go home. Welcome to a day in the life of WOMP's Cryptic Intelligence Agency.


**I suppose I've been wondering for awhile exactly what the Cryptic Intelligence Agency does. It's mentioned in the Gadget and the Gadgetini's episode "Super Boss Gadget", where Gadget takes over for the General for a day. Chief Quimby is a guest star, and he claims to be a part of the CIA, the Cryptic Intelligence Agency, and that he's General Sir's top informant. But seriously, where do these guys get their information? They'd have to be top dogs in their fields, right? The very best of the best!**

 **...Or not so much. Read on to discover just what goes on behind the closed doors of WOMP's most secretive department!**

 **CIA File 1: Another Day**

Dana is seeing things, Carlotta is sewing again, and Chief Quimby just wants to go home. Welcome to a day in the life of WOMP's Cryptic Intelligence Agency.

"Elliot!"

Elliot Smith, secretary to the Head of the CIA, Chief Quimby, winced as he heard the high pitched voice singing his name. He would be very happy if the owner of said voice were never to speak with him again… but of course, that was a vain hope.

The door to his small office burst open, and a larger woman in a draping purple dress and several scarves swept into the room. "My dear Elliot! There you are! Just as I Saw!"

Elliot's eye twitched. "Dana. I'm always in my office. This isn't anything new."

"Oh, but I have something for you!" the woman proclaimed dramatically. "I have received a message… FROM THE BEYOND." As she said the last words, the lights above flickered.

Elliot's eye twitched again. "Dana. Did you rig the lights again?"

"Oh! How could you even think that?" Dana asked, clutching at her chest. "I assure you, I have never done any such thing!"

"Wayne sold you out for a pre-release copy of that new Zelder game, or whatever it's called," Elliot said flatly, looking back at his file filled desk.

"Damn it," Dana muttered in a normal voice before returning to her dramatic tone. "You are a fool to not believe in my abilities, dear Elliot! The spirits will not be mocked!"

"Tell them to stop making themselves so mockable, then," Elliot shot back.

Dana staggered. "Oh, you fool! You poor fool! But no, it is not you who shall suffer for your thoughtless words, but the Chief! He shall be injured on the job today!"

"Please," Elliot snorted. "He hasn't been injured on the job since Gadget was promoted from Metro City Inspector to WOMP Lieutenant, and he took the job here."

"Nonetheless, it is he who shall pay the price!" Dana declared, pointing dramatically. "You have been warned!"

With that, she spun on her heel, and made to leave the office.

Elliot pinched the bridge of his nose. "Dana. The message you received?"

"Oh, right," she agreed, sounding normal. "MAD's going to attack a military base in Australia later today. Here are the coordinates." She passed him a piece of paper.

Elliot stared at them. "...And you got this from the spirits."

"Uh huh," Dana agreed.

"One of these days, I'm going to figure out how you actually know these things."

Dana turned to leave the office, calling over her shoulder, "And that day is not today!"

Elliot grit his teeth as the door to his office slammed shut. "I hate that woman. I absolutely hate that woman."

x-x-x

Wayne Bremer leaned back in his chair as he looked at one of the numerous monitors in front of him. Despite his office being a ways down the hall, he spent most of his time in the office of the CIA's top technical analyst, Cassandra "Caz" Houston.

There wasn't anything romantic between them. They were just close friends who enjoyed hanging out. And challenging each other to the most inane bets.

"I don't see it," Wayne dismissed.

"Wait for it," Caz challenged, eyes glued to the screen.

The phone rang, and Wayne sighed. Always at the most important bits. He answered it.

"Houston's office, Bremer speaking."

"Wayne?" Elliot's sharp voice demanded. "What are you doing in Caz's office?"

"Compiling data," Wayne lied automatically. "Caz needed an extra pair of eyes to go through the video logs."

"I'm going to pretend I believe that," Elliot sighed. "Look, we just got a tip, and I need you and Caz to work your magic and see if you can find anything to back it up."

"Dana again?" Wayne asked, grinning.

Next to him, Caz covered a snort, though she didn't look away from the monitor.

"I don't know how she does it!" Elliot complained, and Wayne could almost see his arms waving in frustration. "But dang it, she's never been wrong!"

"She's a true seer," Wayne agreed, trying to keep a laugh from bubbling up. He was in on the trick Dana used to stay ahead of the game.

"Not you, too!" Elliot groaned. "Look, just take a peek into Australian military bases. See if anything's changed recently, or something that would make one in particular a good target for MAD."

"Sure, I can give my contacts a call," Wayne agreed. His official title was CIA Liaison, after all. That had to be good for something.

But that didn't mean he didn't use underhanded tactics when he had to.

"Thanks, Wayne. Call me with any updates." Elliot hung up without any preamble. But then again, he didn't really do that stuff.

Shaking his head, Wayne hung up the phone. "Elliot says Dana told him that MAD's going to target an Australian military base."

"Then call Dana and ask if she has any more details," Caz suggested, still not looking away from the monitor.

"...I still don't see it."

"Wait for it. It's coming. I'm just waiting for a good shot."

Wayne rolled his eyes and dialled Dana's extension.

"Hello, you have reached the CIA Psychic Hotline, and I'm am so pleased to be taking your call. My name is Dana, and your name is Wayne, correct?"

Wayne bit his lip to keep from laughing. "I don't know. Is your name really Dana?"

"Oh, ha ha," Dana sighed. "You really take all the fun out of this. Aren't you even going to ask how I knew it was you?"

"I know you have caller ID on your phone, Dana," Wayne pointed out flatly.

"Yes, but you're calling from Caz's office," Dana argued.

"I always call you from Caz's office because Caz never calls you," Wayne shot back. It was true. Caz prefered I. .

Dana sighed dramatically again. "Oh, fine. You needed something?"

"Just wondered if you could cut back on my work a bit and give me any specifics about this military base MAD is supposed to hit," Wayne explained.

"I _would_ ," Dana allowed, "only someone let slip to Elliot that they rigged the lights in his office for me."

"What?!" Wayne cried. "That dirty double crosser!"

"Hypocrite," Dana shot.

"Oh, come on!" Wayne protested. "He just asked me to confirm what he'd already figured out. And he offered a Zelda game I'd been waiting a year and a half for nearly two months before it actually went on the market!"

"That was a great game," Caz reminisced.

"Well, perhaps next time you'll resist," Dana sniffed.

"Or maybe next time I'll tell Elliot exactly where your psychic visions come from," Wayne rebutted.

"What?!" Dana shrieked. "You wouldn't!"

"Well, I _would_ ," Wayne allowed, "if the psychic in question weren't giving me information to cut my workload in half."

"Oh, alright," Dana grumbled. "You don't need to threaten me. I'd have given it to you anyways." There was the sound of shuffling papers. "Okay, so, they'll be attacking a base located in Eastern Tasmania. I'll send the coordinates to Caz. Something about a new fighter jet. That's all I have on the subject, sorry."

"No, that's plenty," Wayne agreed. "Anything else to note?"

"Chief's gonna get hurt on the job today, but I've already notified the burn ward to be prepped, just in case," Dana said thoughtfully. "Nothing else you can use. Oh, but tell Caz she should be filming the Blackwood Golf Course today, hole six, starting at eleven if she wants to see something really funny."

"I'll have her do that," Wayne agreed.

"Good. Have her send me a copy too, it should be good," Dana said cheerfully. "Ooh, I have to go, my show is on. I'll see you later!"

She hung up before he could answer.

"Get anything good?" Caz asked as Wayne hung up the phone.

"Yes, she'll be sending you coordinates," Wayne agreed.

"Cool. I'll see what I can get from the satellites as soon as I- Ha!"

She jabbed a button on her keyboard, finally freezing the video on the monitor. "Will you look at that!"

Wayne's mouth fell open. "No way. No _way_!"

"Told you," Caz said smugly, crossing her arms.

"He really is missing a finger," Wayne said, shaking his head. "But why don't you normally see it?"

"They use another guy's hands when they do close ups, and he's usually hiding his right hand in any of the larger shots," Caz explained. "Cool, no?"

Wayne groaned and dug a mangled ten-dollar bill from his pocket and passed it over to Caz. This particular bill had been passed between them at least weekly for several years now. "Fine. You win. Geeky-est fact of the week champion is you."

Caz accepted the money with a smile. "Why thank you, Wayne. Don't worry. I'm sure you'll get another chance to win it back soon."

Wayne grumbled. "Yeah. Maybe. Stupid Star Trek." He was silent for a moment. "But seriously, how do you hide the fact that Scotty's missing a finger?"

Caz rolled her eyes. "Magic, Wayne. Magic."

x-x-x

In the laboratory of the CIA, a woman with dark hair and a lab coat rapidly typed commands into a large computer. "Levels?" she asked sharply to the young man intently watching a series of dials.

"Holding steady, Doctor," he answered immediately.

"Good. I'm entering phase two." Her pace didn't slow.

"The fluctuation is rising now," the man said. "Three percent overall wave increase. Four. Five."

"Come on, just a few more minutes…" the doctor muttered, typing furiously.

"Six. Seven," the man read off.

"Entering phase three," the doctor announced. "Just another minute and we should-"

"Sue!"

The door to the lab burst open, causing the woman to jerk her hands from the keyboard with a cry. Dana stood in the doorway, in all her glory.

"Doctor! Fluctuations are growing!" her assistant called worriedly. "Eight percent, and it's rising quickly! If we hit fifteen-"

"I _know_ , Jonathan!" she snapped, diving back for the keyboard. "Dana, don't talk, or you could send this whole place up!"

Dana clamped her hands over her mouth.

"Nine," Jonathan read. "Ten."

"Done! Raising the shields now." The doctor imput one last command before slumping with a sigh.

"Fluctuations are returning to normal," Jonathan informed her. "Congratulations, Doctor Blake."

"Sue!" Dana cried, speaking up now that she was sure the danger was over. "What was that?"

"That was me trying to upgrade the security system before it all went haywire," Sue said grimly.

"No, not _that_ ," Dana argued, waving a hand dismissively. "I meant the whole, fixing it at ten percent, instead of not being able to fix it until just before everything goes bad. Isn't that how it's supposed to be done?"

Sue sniffed. "It's only done that way by clueless morons, idiotic thrill seekers, and bad dramatic movie scenes. Anyone who knows what they're doing can do it before the last few seconds."

"I'm sure," Dana said, rolling her eyes.

"And besides, we were looking at percentages, not seconds," Sue added after a moment. She looked toward her assistant. "Jonathan, go test the systems. I need to chat with Dana for a bit."

"Yes, Doctor," he agreed, before dashing off towards the other side of the lab.

"You ride him too hard," Dana sighed, shaking her head.

"I ride him just hard enough," Sue argued. "He needs to learn to multitask like this if he ever wants to successfully work in the scientific fields. Regardless, you have some reason you came here, and I doubt it was because you wanted to criticize my handling of Jonathan."

"Sorry, you're right," Dana agreed. "I just _like_ John. He's sweet."

"He's over a decade and a half younger than you," Sue said flatly.

"He is not!" Dana protested immediately. "...It's a few months shy. And that's not the point!" She paused. "I'm getting off topic. I came here to tell you MAD's moving to attack an Australian military base. Wayne and Caz are gathering data right now to back up my incredible prediction, and, well…"

Sue's eyes glinted oddly. "Yes, of course. JONATHAN! FORGET THE TESTS! WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FIRE UP THE TELEPORTER!"

"Yes, Doctor!" John agreed, running to a large cylinder on the closer side of the lab, and bending over the computers hooked up to it.

"I take it that the Chief will once again be ending up in an unusual place when he goes to give the General this information?" Dana asked sardonically.

"I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about," Sue sniffed.

"Sure. And it's just an accident that you've been sending him odd places for over a decade," Dana smirked. It was true, as Sue had been working with Quimby even before he came to WOMP to head the CIA, and he had brought her with him, despite the issues they had.

"It's not my fault the teleport can't seem to scan him without glitching up," Sue said, pointing her nose in the air. "I've tried to fix it. I really have."

"Sure," Dana agreed. "Exactly what did he do to annoy you so badly?"

Sue thought for a moment. "You know, I don't actually remember. But it must have been bad, because whatever it was, I'm still annoyed."

"He must have _really_ ticked you off."

"Yes," Sue agreed.

"Or else you've just been doing this because you find it funny," Dana added.

"...Also yes."

"Doctor Blake?" John asked as she turned to approach the teleporter. "I was just wondering if you would tell me if I ever annoy you that badly so I can attempt to flee the country to escape your wrath."

"Oh, Jonathan," Sue sighed, patting his cheek. "I work at WOMP, in the Cryptic Intelligence Agency. There's quite literally not a place on Earth you could hide from me."

John let out a strangled whimper.

x-x-x

"Well, the Tasmanian base certainly has _something_ , but you can't see what in these photographs," Caz sighed, clicking through the images she'd pulled from the satellites. "All you can really tell is that it's pretty big, so MAD would need something larger to transport it."

"Told you you wouldn't find it," Wayne said, shaking his head. "Now, did you get the info I asked for?"

"Sure. Head of the Tasmanian base is a guy named General Williams." Caz pulled an image up on one of the other monitors, and a video on yet another. "And here's a clip of him last month giving a speech at the Australian Parliament."

Wayne listened to the clip for a few moments before he nodded. "Alright, I've got it. Let's do this."

Caz paused the video and Wayne pulled the untraceable phone he used for these kinds of calls from his pocket and dialled a number.

Caz grinned. This was always amusing to watch.

"Colonel Jacobs, this is General Williams," Wayne announced in a perfect imitation of the General's voice. "I wanted to make sure the you-know-what is safe."

"Of course, sir!" came the voice on the other end. "We've made sure no one can get at the plane, sir!"

"Excellent job, Colonel. Keep up the good work."

Wayne hung up immediately and grinned at Caz. "And _that_ is how you do it."

Caz rolled her eyes. "Just because you have people skills-"

"So, secret plane being stored in the Tasmanian military base, go," Wayne interrupted, nodding at her computer. "I'm going to ensure the Aussies don't attack when we send an agent to help protect it."

Caz rolled her eyes again as she turned back to the monitors. "Okay, go be responsible and all."

Wayne sniffed dramatically. "Maybe I will."

Caz snorted behind him as he left the office, whistling, headed for his own. Once he reached it, he plopped into the comfortable chair, propped his feet up on the desk, and reached for the office phone.

Dialling a number, he waited.

"Who is this?! How did you get this number?!"

"General Williams!" Wayne greeted, overly cheerful. "Wayne Bremer here, liason to the World Organization of Mega Powers."

"WOMP? What do you need with me?"

"It's not you, General, it's your base," Wayne explained. "You see, we've received some rather worrying information. Someone is going to try and steal that new plane of yours."

"What?! How do you even know about our new fighter jet?!"

So, a fighter jet, was it? Interesting. Ah, he loved his job. "I'm afraid we found out about it through MAD, when we were trying to figure out why they would be breaking into your base," Wayne said. Not technically a lie. "Regardless, we're sending an agent to help keep your new jet safe. I'm sure you understand."

"How do you even know they're going to steal it?" Williams challenged.

Wayne studied his nails. "Our scanners indicated that your Colonel Jacobs received a call from an unlisted number not too long ago, and questioning him led us to find he believes he received a call from you asking about the jet. I'm sure you understand our concern. We believe MAD to be behind this, which is why we're sending someone who is well acquainted with their methods."

"I… Yes, that would be appreciated," Williams allowed. "We could use all the help we can get if this MAD agency really is trying to steal our jet."

"Of course," Wayne agreed. "We'll get our best" _only_ "agent on the case as quickly as possible. And if there are any problems, please feel free to call me."

"Thank you, Agent Bremer," the General agreed.

"Thank _you_ ," Wayne returned. "Have a nice day now."

He hung up the phone and headed back for Caz's office. The other bonus to spending all day in her office, besides the movie watching? He missed out on when his phone began going crazy with the inevitable complaints about Gadget.

x-x-x

"Oh, _Carlotta_ ~!" Dana sang, waltzing into the room where one of the most famous disguise artists in the world made her home. She was so good, she never looked the same twice, and there was even some debate on whether or not she was actually female.

Dana didn't much care, as the woman was a lot of fun.

Today she was an older looking woman with spectacles and dressed in a manner that made her look like a fun grandmother, with loose jeans and a baggy sweater.

Carlotta looked up with a smile. "Hello, Dana. I trust you have fun news?"

"A little birdy told me you were working on a new costume," Dana explained, coming over to plop into the seat next to Carlotta. "Something spectacular?"

"Oh dearie me, your little birdy always knows the best gossip," Carlotta giggled. "Yes, a little surprise for the Chief, should he ever need it."

"Oh, I think he will, very soon," Dana said, wiggling her eyebrows. "Only, I don't think it will come back in the same condition you sent it out in."

Carlotta sighed. "Oh dear. I suppose I guessed it would happen again sooner or later. I'll just have to repair it the best I can, then, won't I?"

"I suppose so," Dana agreed. She paused for a moment. "Hey, odd question. You knew Sue and the Chief back in their Metro City days, right?"

"I did," Carlotta agreed.

"Do you have any idea what the Chief did to make Sue so annoyed at him?"

Carlotta cackled. "Oh, yes I do! One time he tried to guess her weight. I forget what the build up was, but that was certainly the result. He guessed 120."

Dana thought of the tall thin woman. "That doesn't sound too bad," she said slowly.

"It wasn't, but she was furious," Carlotta agreed. "Swore he'd never have a comfortable ride until she actually weighed over that. Of course, I think she's completely forgotten that, or he'd probably have stopped having uncomfortable trips years ago."

"Really?" Dana frowned. "I hadn't realized she had such a hair trigger."

"Just when it comes to her weight," Carlotta explained. "I think she was bullied growing up. Chief Quimby wasn't even off by much, but it was enough to set her off. She only weighed 118."

x-x-x

Wayne knocked on Elliot's door. "Hey, Elliot."

"Wayne, come in," Elliot greeted, waving to the seat by his desk. "What have you found?"

"We have a fighter jet in the Tasmanian military base we're pretty sure is the MAD target," Wayne answered, taking a seat. "Caz was able to intercept a few communications that suggests Dana's prediction is spot on."

"Of course it is," Elliot sighed. "So, a fighter jet?"

"Not just any fighter jet."

Both Elliot and Wayne looked to see Caz standing in the doorway, a laptop in her hand. "It's an FJ Twenty-Two Hundred, one of the most advanced planes in the world. It's still in experimental stages, but it looks like it could be the fastest plane in the planet, capable of circling the earth in twelve hours." She paused for a moment. "Second fastest plane on the planet. And no one has the ability to build anything as fast as the first one."

"The Gadget-Mobile's Jet Engine mode," Wayne explained to a surprised looking Elliot. "Seriously, no one's sure what's going on with that thing."

"I want one," Caz sighed dreamily. "I hear Sue wants one too."

"Everyone wants one," Wayne reminded her.

They all lost themselves in fantasy for a moment.

"Moving on from the coolest vehicle in the history of the planet," Elliot said, clearing his throat, "you think MAD wants this fighter jet?"

"Its destructive capabilities are second only to the Gadget-Mobile," Caz agreed. "And its cloaking mechanism is second to none. MAD could get anywhere on the planet undetected, and literally rain down destruction on it."

" _I_ want one," Wayne agreed. "Why wouldn't MAD?"

"Alright, I'll take this to the Chief," Elliot allowed. He paused. "Just… uh… just out of curiousity, do you know if anyone's prepped the burn ward, just in case Dana's other prediction comes true?"

"Already taken care of," Caz agreed, before pausing. "I think."

"Dana said she called them," Wayne added. "By the way, Elliot, if you ever tell Dana I sold her out again, I will never give you any information on anything she does ever again. I will also recruit Caz to permanently set all of your office lights to flicker."

Elliot winced. "Okay. Sorry. Yes. Didn't think about that."

"You know, I've never thought about it, but that is actually a pretty terrifying threat," Caz mused as she headed out the door.

"Office threats are the worst kind," Wayne remarked with a grin as he followed. "We may not be able to kill you or your family or anything, but we can certainly make your life a living hell, to the point where you'll run away screaming from any office ever again."

"You say that like it's not already," Elliot muttered, reaching for his phone to make a meeting with the Chief.

x-x-x

"Apparently, the General is golfing today," Sue said cheerfully, reading over her email.

"...You're going to send the Chief into the man's bag, aren't you," John said, not even bothering to really question.

"You know, any other day I would," Sue mused. "But judging from Dana's words, that would probably end up badly for the General's clubs." She paused for a moment. "What do you think about sending him into the hole?"

x-x-x

Chief Quimby walked into the office of his secretary. "Elliot, you said you had vital information concerning MAD?"

"Yes, sir," Elliot agreed, handing the man a sheet of paper. "Intelligence suggests that MAD will attempt to move to attack the Tasmanian Military Base in Australia. The details are there."

"I see," Quimby mused. "And you suspect they're after this jet?"

"Yes, sir, that's what our sources point to," Elliot agreed.

"Hm… I'll have to alert the General at once," Quimby decided. "The world can't afford to let a weapon like that fall into Claw's hands."

"I agree," Elliot said blandly. "We anticipated that you would wish to pass along the message in person. Carlotta has prepared a disguise that will not go out of place on a golf course, where the General is currently located, and Doctor Blake has prepared the teleporter for your use."

Quimby winced at the thought of what he had to do, and then sighed. "Ah, well. At least I don't have to give Gadget missions any longer. How bad could it be?"

x-x-x

Twenty minutes later, the entire staff of the American branch of the Cryptic Intelligence Agency stood watching passively as their boss was rushed to the burn ward.

"Gadget was there, wasn't he," Sue commented.

"Yep," Elliot agreed. "Apparently the General invited him to play golf."

"Poor Chief," John worried. "Is he going to be alright?"

"You can tell he's new," Carlotta commented to Dana, who nodded sagely.

"Don't worry, kid, the Chief's had worse," Wayne assured him, clapping a hand on his shoulder. "And really, he hasn't been in the burn ward in months! He's overdue!"

"Plus, I'm pretty sure he gets hazard pay," Sue added.

"Anyone working with Gadget should get hazard pay," Elliot muttered.

John looked confused. "But I thought Lieutenant Gadget was the best of the best! WOMP's top agent!"

There was a pause before everyone else burst out laughing.

"He's WOMP's _only_ agent!" Wayne snickered.

"That's the funniest thing I've ever heard!" Carlotta cackled.

Elliot clamped his hand on John's other shoulder. "Really, the videos we could show you…"

"Speaking of videos," Caz broke in, "I hacked the feed at the golf course. Who wants to see the Chief get blown up?"

There was a rapid mass migration to Caz's office, leaving only Elliot standing behind.

"Come on, guys, at least attempt to uphold a thin veneer of professionalism!" he called. "Couldn't there be another disaster later today?"

"There won't be," Dana whispered to the others inside the office.

"Come on, Elliot!" Wayne called back, sticking his head outside the office. "Don't be a party pooper! We'll get back to work as soon as we finish this!" He paused, before adding quietly, "...And the Chief's out of the burn ward. Which should be sometime next week."

"We have access to the most advanced cameras in existence," Elliot moped, heading towards the office. "We can see anywhere on the planet at any given time. But what do we use this incredible technology for? Watching our boss get blown up and laughing hysterically."

He entered the office, still grumpy. "Just so you know, we're all terrible people."

"Oh, we're aware," Caz assured him, hitting play on the video. "Popcorn?"

 **Fin?**

 **A fun fact for those of you interested: Elliot is not technically an OC. He is, in fact, the only other member of the CIA named in the show, when Chief Quimby calls him on an intercom to verify Penny's info. I don't find it hard to believe Elliot is just under him, then. Do you?**

 **Review, and you may find other CIA stories up here!**


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